Tag Archive: alessandra paul


Letter three to Andrew

When everything is said and done all that is left is nothing but a memory to remind us of a life or person and an event. So hello memory, we meet again. It has been a while since I visited you, actually a week to be exact.

I just want to say how much I miss you and how much I truly wish you were here with me. I really miss not being able to hug you, to tuck you in bed, to take you to the park, talk to you till you fall asleep, and personally tell you that I love you and that you are one of the biggest gifts life has ever given me. Whenever I want to stop smiling and trying even if I have a billion reasons why I should die you give me a billion and one reasons to smile and forget the all. When I want to escape I always remember that day in summer when we spent almost all day at the park and watched the sunset. Everything about that day was so perfect. It was in fact the best day of my life.

I wish you could be here on your special day so I could celebrate your birthday with you, but, unfortunately things are far too complicated and though we are close you are still to far from me. I know I cannot be by your side on that beautiful day when you were brought into this Earth and my life but, from the bottom of my heart I wish you  a happy birthday and I hope that you find happiness this year, that your dreams come true, that you have many perfect days and warm nights, perfect summer, winter, fall days, that you learn many things, that you age gracefully, that you have many friends, and good companions, that you are truly happy with you and do what YOU love not what others expect.

Dear brother,

I wish you the best birthday ever, I wish you all the gold and beauty and success in the world and in life. I wish you all that is good and that you dream of. I want you to know that I always keep you in my heart, mind, and soul and that I carry your photo and bracelet everywhere I go. That all your paintings I have them here as decorations even your letters. That I pray for you every night that your life goes as beautiful as it can be and that you rise and shine above all. I wish you all the best that life can possibly offer because you are such a wonderful human being. Even though you are young you have saved my life literally and you have tought me so many things.

Though far I want you to know that you are amazing and that I love you and I am proud of you. No matter what happens I promise you that I will love you and be there for you no matter what happens or what you do. You are my little angel and I constantly pray that you have a great day and are doing well and that nothing ever goes missing in your life.

I do not know if you will ever read this but I know things are so difficult but I somehow hope that as I am writing this you are dreaming that I kiss you in your forehead and wish you  a happy birthday my little baby angel brother.

I love you  always and forever.

 

The cycle of the human transforming into a different being.

La Vie en Rose- Edith Piaf

Des Yeux Qui Font Baisser Les Miens
Un Rire Qui Se Perd Sur Sa Bouche
Voila Le Portrait Sans Retouche
De L’homme Auguel J’appartiens

Quand Il Me Prend Dans Ses Bras,
Il Me Parle Tout Bas
Je Vois La Vie En Rose,
Il Me Dit Des Mots D’amour
Das Mots De Tous Les Jours,
Et Ca Me Fait Quelques Choses
Il Est Entre Dans Mon Coeur,
Une Part De Bonheur
Dont Je Connais La Cause, C’est Lui Pour
Moi, Moi Pour Lui Dans La Vie
Il Me L’a Dit, L’a Jure Pour La Vie,
Et Des Que Je L’apercois
Alors Je Sens En Moi, Mon Coeur Qui Bat…

Des Nuits D’amour A Plus Finir
Un Grand Bonheur Qui Prend Sa Place
Les Ennuis, Des Chagrins S’effacent
Heureux, Heureux A En Mourir

15 Days

Dedicated to: Mandy,Pa, Ilario, Bibi, Choni, and Andrew.

Warning:

The following words do not support in any way any religious group but rather serve as a literary device and a “what if”. If thou shall be offended please ignore this theory of the creation of earth and life.

Alessandra Paul

It is written that God created the world in seven days but, we as humans when do we start creating our own world? How long does it take to create our own existence?
It took God seven days but it took me 19 years to create my own world and 15 days to fall into this realization.
15 days were how long it took me to accept that I am alive at last, to know that I cannot live without the people in my life, to know that I will forever love you, to grow to love a family when we are oceans apart.
I created my world in 19 years and accepted my own life, defeats, wins, to know the truth, to not hide the feelings of the heart out of fear of vulnerability, to decide that the upcoming choices in life will be for the better and not fear, and to accept and love everyone including myself.
But as humans when do we start creating our own world aside from the one we live in? How long does it take for our own realization?

More photos go to:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/alessandra-paul/

I feel like i have been waiting for a change for something to happen in life. Something. Something…
Have felt like i have been sitting in a train that only goes one way and you cant get off for as soon as you try it goes faster again throwing you to the floor. Sometimess it does stop but people push you back in.

So soon you start meeting wonderful people and realizing that every human no matter how simple they might look they all have a story. You realize that its no coinsidence you stayed where you were.

In this train that seems to go one way i have met everyone from druggies to business people to kids who teach you a lesson to lovers and murderes…
I have met everyone.

But i am stuck in this train and it only goes one way.
Through this glass i see beautiful and filthy places but i can only see freedom through a glass and never taste it,touch,feel, and make it me.

This train the one that only goes one way is has a slave to other peoples emotional wellness serving as a krutch for them. Yes, they gave me life but as my duty to them i shall live it.
After all life is not life if you do not live it.

I am waiting for a change in a train that only goes one way. In need of a change a change of pace.
A change and a chance to make this what i am my own to be my own owner.
To live and be able to touch and feel the places and people the world i can only seee through a glass.
To get off this train and walk into my own where everyone else is a passanger that can leave whenever they desire.
It is the time for a change in this train that only goes one way.
Time to rip apart from the chains that hold me and fulfill my dreams.
Its time.
The time for a change.

The time is now i served my sentense.

Change….

Broken Glass (poem)

Broken Glass

By Alessandra Paul

Never will I see the sun, its eyes are my light.

Safe inside I find my agony reflected upon shinny glass.

Darkness surrounds my atmosphere and now I’ve lost my sight.

This sad scenery has made me realize I left nothing behind, at last.

Glorious moon never shall it shine, my pallor face has found its sun.

It shines and shines, and shines again fitting perfectly into my skin.

The burden that wrapped has been thrown and taken its place now in dust.

The glass is half broken now and reasons to smile are written on this list.

Red and white flow through the cracks this is my time to say I was built with lust.

Lust for a dream and wish for immortality, but death was never forsaken.

Your love made me realize I shouldn’t fear what’s inside…

Holding now the hourglass and your love, while lying on this cold floor adorned with broken glass and my sanguine rain, now my life I have taken.

I left all behind at last.

Time has come to mind and has made me realize I left nothing behind at last.

A Land Called Italy

A land called Italy

By: Alessandra Paul

Out of all the trips I have taken no trip had ever been so exhausting, painful, filled with excruciating jet lag every other day,  filled with emotions, dream fulfilling, new hopes and dreams, life changing experience, and had taught me things. In no other trip had I met such beautiful people such as a woman from Dallas/Iowa and a poet I met in the train station of Florence, among other people.  As well as taken 8 plus airplanes, 8 trains, countless of metros and buses, a water taxi (Venice), and had to manage myself in five languages (English, Spanish, Italian, German, and French).

The beautiful places I had the pleasure of seeing where: Florence, Assisi, Venice, Rome, and the Vatican as well as a day stay in Frankfurt, Germany. I especially feel in love with Firenze (Florence) and will be looking for any excuse to go back there. The Vatican (Il Vaticano) was such a magical place the amount of art being handled there and its beauty made me want to shed a couple of tears at the end of the day. And seeing Pope John Paul II’s grave caused a weird sensation within me, something I hadn’t felt in years. Assisi was just plain adorable and stunning! It remains as a medieval place and the basilica was very vampiric as only candles would be served as light and no cameras were allowed 😦 . Venice (Venezia) was also beautiful but my least favorite for there was only one attraction there: San Marcos Basilica and the fact that the whole town is basically on water. At last Rome, this was my home for two weeks and I fell completely and utterly in love with it. This is my new home away from home.

Sadness though has taken place in my heart for I did not get to see the only Michael Angelo piece I had left to see: the David and couldn’t go visit my beautiful Milan :(.

But the saddest thing was, going back to the U.S. for nothing is really waiting when you come back versus the staying in a new place were you have all to gain and lovers yet to make and find.

I came to the sad conclusion that any place seems to be better than the U.S for me. However, I am content to know that I belong somewhere just not here. So Europe see you in a year! Switzerland you are my next! .Hopefully.

All these pictures were taken in the wonderful paradise land of Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco and its little towns in and around it. This new photography album is titled: “A World Not Far Away” because as a person who’s soul has been searching for a paradise for almost a decade now, has finally found it. Paradise is not far away in fact it can be right in front of us just like our dreams, what we have been searching for all along.
Location: ALL over Mexico/Pt.Vallarta

The effect of “Satanic” metal
By Alessandra Paul

April 20th, 1999 Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold made a plot to kill everyone at their school in Columbine, just two weeks before their graduation; sadly, this not only turned into a mass murder of 13 people, 20 injured bodies, and a double suicide, but a mass or pointing fingers at the Metal world.

Reports have stated that Harris and Klebold were part of the Trench Coat Mafia and fans of Marilyn Manson; many Christians such as David J. Stewart have gone to the extreme of saying that Manson inspires kids to kill.

“If you don’t want society to come after you when shootings occur, then maybe you shouldn’t go around singing about murdering people,” said Stewart.

The main question here is: does “Satanic” Metal make people really kill? Or does the murderer have the killing gene within already? Is there anyone really to blame?

“Satanic Music would be described as any type of music that exemplifies Satan or the teachings of Satanism. Even Anton LaVey put out Satanic Music and it wasn’t even close to metal sounding,” said Mike Browning, Ex-drummer/vocalist of band Morbid Angel.

In the 1990’s a wave of church burnings and murders took Norway by surprise, as people with corpse paint, pentagrams, and Satanists, appeared with a violent approach.

Ironically, guitarist of Emperor, Samoth and Varg Vikernes of Burzum were the first two individuals to initiate the church burnings and the murders of fellow musicians and people such as Oysten Aarseth of Mayhem.

These infamous happenings led to a lot of speculation and people started associating black vestments, music, and looks with murderers; and of course kids trying to copy their role models; but, can one really blame the music industry?

“I think that’s most likely a result of poor parenting,” said Joe Letz, drummer of band Combichrist.

“People should be looking at the environment that such people are brought up in. What drives a person to such hate? Was it a serious failing on the part of the system, and the parents to educate and observe if there may be any form of irrational and adverse behavior and deal with the problem before it spirals out of control, and show some form of caring and responsibility? Or did Marilyn Manson have some form of hypnotic power over these individuals, and make them go on a killing spree in his name?” said BobSwan/ Asmodeus Hru an rtists, novelist, and Satanic Thelamite.

Music, as we might like to recognize this or not, does have an effect on everyone, this wonderful creation helps kids to memorize and learn new things, calm one’s self, and serve as therapy, etc.

For example, Lexa Vonn a writer and founder of The Plastics professional groupies, found that in Marilyn Manson’s album Anti-Christ Superstar had a positive message and even saved her life at one of her lowest points.

“Although the suicide rate is higher among rock and heavy metal fans, a study of students with psychiatric disorders who were also heavy metal fans actually showed improved mood after listening to their music of choice.” stated Jennifer Copley in Psychology of Heavy Metal Music.

It has been proven that music also has a biological effect on a person, for it is linked to the pain perception receptors of the body and the Limbic System is directly affected by it; however one can battle that not everyone is affected by this.

“Most of us have experienced kind of a rush when approaching a concert of a more aggressive/”evil”/doomy kind,  but personally I think this is more healthy to have “contact” with such than to repress it and later go amok with a shotgun or whatever. ” said Tormentor, guitarist of Black Metal band Gorgoroth.

For example, last Halloween, a Marilyn Manson song was performed by the dance group in Loretto High School and no girl went on a rampage; this simply served to create a great atmosphere.

“Since the beginning of time sounds like chanting and drumming have been used in rituals to work the person up to a frenzied state which causes a direct psychological effect on the brain and the body and can cause visions and even seizures,” said Browning.

Music might affect some people’s mind, which basically consists of people who find comfort in this music and fail to set a balance between what’s reality and music/art; their oppression or whatever happens to be their issue begins to find a way of venting out.

As for music, art, poetry, etc. one cannot take everything seriously; art itself is only but an interpretation of something, an expression, a reflection. Stanton LaVey, grandson of Anton LaVey, founder of the Satanic Church paints murders, but, nevertheless he isn’t going out there murdering people.

“Art is left open to one’ s interpretation. It’s where your head is at and who you are in your soul that makes you see something one way or another. Mark David Chapman killed John Lennon because of his interpretation of the classic novel, Catcher In The Rye. Yet, high schools still require this book,” said Lexa Vonn.

Many bands, as we know, sell out and portrait themselves as something they are not; it takes a weak-minded individual to do what the artist is portraying, when in all reality the musicians don’t believe or even take part of any real sacrifices or worshipping.

“I would say the majority of musicians and bands that have Satanic or similar imagery and music are only doing it for the shock value and to sell their product.” said Browning

One needs to remember that art is but an interpretation of things and as King Diamond once said: “We are entertainers not preachers” or  Cronos of Venom who also stated: “This is basically entertainment; that’s as far as it goes.”

The quest of finding if music tied with killings or destructive behavior will always be debated, but one thing needs to be set clear,Metal or in this case “Satanic” metal does not make you kill, the individual already has an innate drive for murder.

“I wonder what the Church was playing and listening to when there was hundreds of years of Witch Trials, and hundreds of thousands, or maybe even millions of men, women and children were burnt at the stake for Witchcraft. I wonder what music incited the Crusaders to one hundred years of war, bloodshed and murder.” said Asmodeus Hru.

By Alessandra Paul

A man and I were talking about how beautiful the moon looked the other night, we then spoke of sunrises and sunsets, how beautiful they were. I never had seen a sunset and sunrises only but a few.

But, now that I remember I have seen a sunset, something I have dreaded for so long. I wanted my first sunset to mark happiness, I wanted it to be something special. Something to tell me I was alive.

Every year for about five years now I have traveled on a tour bus from the U.S. to exotic, cultural, and beautiful places in Mexico. The only thing I loved more than traveling itself has been and always will be watching the stars at night in those deserted places one must cross to reach your other destination.

The stars look so perfect, there are no lights to kill their presence. They look like they are a bunch of diamonds laid across a big black curtain, I only hope that when I die I can become an angel in the sky and owe all those beautiful shinny rocks called stars.

However, nights I have seen plenty of times, its lost its meaning to me quite a bit, sunsets and sunrises are of importance to me now, I have always loved to sit and watch one. Till last December.

Annually every X-mas I go to Pt. Vallarta in Mexico for personal reasons, holidays just suck for me. I have gone to this paradise for three years now and this last year it was life changing.

I saw my first sunset, and what better than in the ocean shore located in El Malecon, I didn’t want to watch at first, but its beauty was so astonishing and mesmerizing, that in that moment, I decided that this agony was no good, the people that have left my life are never coming back, that I am so fortunate to have this life, to be alive, and to have such beautiful family members that greet me with such love. I am so lucky to have the life I have, I am not poor, unhealthy, or derange. I mean I could be worse.

Then in that moment I realized that happiness has nothing to do with materialism but rather with the people that surround you, the things you love doing, and for me I found that art, music, love, and truth is what happiness is for me and nothing else nothing more.

In this place and time I realized that happiness for me is already gained and seeing this sunset just proved to me how alive I really am.

I still love the still of the dark night like the ones in Chihuahua, Zacatecas, or on the road to Nevada or California, where the stars are only but diamonds.

But, the ocean’s sunset in the various beaches of Vallarta like in Conchas Chinas or El Eden, reassured me that life still exists within me, reassured me that my life is perfect and I wouldn’t trade it for nothing.

Starting over

Starting over

By Alessandra Paul

My best friend used to be bulimic and a cutter, and I watched her destroy herself slowly in a period of four years; I watched her wither like a flower as days passed by.

Offering all the help I could give her, I stayed by her side; she was like my sister, her pain was my pain, but my help seemed to be never good enough.

She was far too gone as days passed by. Like water escaping between fingers, her condition just worsened; our friendship started to die as she drowned deeper in an invisible ocean.

People like friends, boyfriends, and teachers would offer her lifelines, but she foolishly declined them always.

I would always wonder why? Why does she not listen? My mind would go wild thinking of her tragic end and what I would do and feel if she would cease to exist

.

Worrying, nights and days would pass wondering if she would survive that day or night.  Will I get a phone call saying she is gone?

Nobody could help her, as she seemed to be rebellious and totally ignorant of people that loved her and wanted her to be better.

This old friend was given many opportunities to start again, but she remained the same. In time, the bulimia was gone and so was the cutting; sadly, the sorrow remained.

It wasn’t until last October that she saw the light at the end of a dark tunnel; she gave birth to a son.

Magically, she became beautiful again; she no longer looked like a withered flower; she was finally happy.

Her son saved her and blessed her with that happiness and peace that she had been searching for. She finally was ready for a new beginning.

Now I know that maybe she didn’t take all those lifelines because her fate was to have this child and give him all the love she never had.

It’s easy for everyone to say that each day is a new day and that we can always start over, but the truth is that maybe it’s not the right time to do so.

Not every day is a new day to start again, not everyday are we ready to do so.

I believe we are not always ready, I believe the day will come when we are.

Every day we are given a new opportunity in life, but not always are we ready to take it. This I believe.