Tag Archive: loss

The night that kills

The night that kills

By: Alessandra Paul

Last night a guy asked for some words of wisdom from me, he had just broken up with his girlfriend, and he needed some consoling from me now. He said over and over how he’s ok during the day but the nights were the one’s that killed.

I couldnt give him any words of wisdom I just couldnt tell him much about his situation for I have spent about a year dying every night. My longing for my old love is still there. Missing how his voice would be the last melody and first to hear as I awoke or closed these eyes of mine, has caused such immense agony.

Nights are so hard on me; it’s so hard to drift into a dreaming world without the peace and serenity to ease you down. Every night I just pretend that he is still here, I picture saying goodnight to him and giving him a goodnight kiss. I just dwell on memories to make me fall asleep fast and pretend that he still is in my life and I on his.

I like to believe as if we were still waiting for each other and were getting married after graduation.

Still say to myself how big of a mistake he was, how perfect this creature who’s heart I tore and who killed me was the only man I have ever loved.

My father once said that everyone in our lives are transitory. People come and go and they come only to fulfill a gap, a something we are missing, and leave after their will is done.

That was my only advice for this young guy whose heart was broken, how transitory everyone was but, not to give up his hope for one day we would find closure, we would find someone or something that wasn’t transitory. One day we would find a never ending season where we would be able to stay in forever.

I also told him the soon to be proven truth: time heals all. That new people will merge into his life and that maybe those people will help him forget for a while or break his spell forever.

One day we will love again and be loved in return, have to believe that the night will come when we will be able to close our eyes without any help from anyone, without memories, without suffocating and passing out from the torturing loss.

Unerhört (Unheard Letter)

This is an old piece of writing I found last night so I decided to finish it. The original version is in German (don’t ask why) but below is a simple less complicated american version of this. Also, this will be included in a new story I am writing called : “Of Damned Ancestry”.


Ich hoffe, dass keine längeren Atem
Aus diesem Atmung und Verheißungen des Lebens erinnern mich an Sie.
Jedesmal, wenn ich atme Ich erinnere mich, dass Sie das einmal in mir.
Ich hoffe, eines Tages nicht die Kraft, die Augen offen
Das Morgenlicht spiegelt dein Gesicht
Und ich noch aufwachen, wartet auf Sie.
Fehlt mir das Gefühl, als ob ich in der Vergangenheit, obwohl ich nicht wusste, wie ich dich liebe.
Manchmal will ich aufhören zu leben
Manchmal will ich auf das Gefühl zu stoppen
Manchmal will ich zu lächeln und glauben, dass ich eines Tages wieder lieben werden.
Ihr Unternehmen ist, was ich am meisten vermissen
Und jetzt werde ich schlafen schlafen und
Und Traum und Traum mit dir meine Liebe.

Ich weiß nicht, was ich mit meinem Wesen jetzt tun, den Sinn des Lebens nicht mehr existiert.
Es gibt keinen Tag, als ich quäle mich nicht für deine Liebe nicht zu erkennen.
Ich hoffe, nicht mehr leben
Ich hoffe, nicht mehr denken
Ich hoffe, dass nicht mehr weinen oder versuchen Sie zu lächeln.
I miss you so much
Ich möchte eines Tages wieder sehen.
Manchmal würde ich gerne zurück zu dieser Vergangenheit und sitzen mit Ihnen in die Ewigkeit Und sagen Sie das “Ich liebe dich” Ich habe nie gesagt habe.

Unheard Letter

I hope to no longer breath
For this breathing and promises of life remind me of you.
Every time I inhale I remember that you once existed in me.
I hope to one day lack the strength to open my eyes
The morning light reflects your face
And I still wake up in waiting for you.
Wanting to feel myself as if I was in the past; even though I didn’t know how to love you.
Sometimes I want to stop living
Sometimes I want to stop feeling
Sometimes I want to smile and believe that one day I will love again.
Your company is what I miss the most
And now I shall sleep and sleep
And dream and dream with you my love.

I don’t know what to do with my being now, the sense in life no longer exists.
There is no day I don’t torture myself for not recognizing your love.
I hope to no longer live
I hope to no longer think
I hope to no longer cry or try to smile.
I miss you so much
I want to one day see you again.
Sometimes I would love to go back to this past and sit with you in the eternity and tell you the : “I love you” I never told you.